Date: Wed, 03 Dec 1997 18:03:48 -0500 From: CeeTee Subject: ASSC [AFTSD] - Review of Solid Gold, Columbus, OH I posted this early, cause I thought I wouldn't be online this week. Now I'm posting it late. Figures... AFTSD Post - Review of Solid Gold, Columbus, Ohio In the fashion (mostly the summary part) of Joe Bob Briggs, drive-in movie critic extraordinaire, (who of late, appears as John Bloom on the Daily Show on Comedy Central), I submit the following review of my local strip club as a part of AFTSD day. I do not guarantee that it will not suck. Pointless intro: What divine inspiration puts a strip club in a strip mall? One that created Columbus Solid Gold, apparently. The former 'Strutters Club', it has become the party place... well, the ONLY party place in northwest Columbus, Ohio. While 8 or 9 other clubs work the north and east-side crowds, Solid Gold stands alone as the only decent strip joint in the minivan ghetto of Northwest Cowtown. The phrase 'mileage may vary' never applied more than here: the dancers apparently vary as the wind does (see mention of Cory below), and so do the attitudes. Clientele? A rowdy Friday night combines drunken OSU students with displaced Japanese Honda execs, and the usual PL cabal of regulars (including lil ol' moi hahaha). Is there a best seat in the house? In my opinion, the corner of the bar, which affords a view of the main stage as well as close-up of the side stage, easily walked up to for a quick tip dance. Details, details: Location: NW corner of Bethel and Sawmill Roads, Columbus Ohio. Ask any local, and the ones with more teeth than tattoos can tell you where it is. Cost: Free Cover til 8pm on weekdays. $5-8 on weekends and when 'features' appear. Drinks: Alcohol. Beer, etc. 2.50 happy hour, 3.75 after. Dancers: Numeric rating, 6-9+, but this reviewer has seen 3 dozen different ones in the space of 6 weeks (translate: high turnover) Bonus Question for regulars: Complement the bleached blonde waitress on her 'Little White Lie' outfit she wore for Halloween. Then ask her why, since she's much better looking than the dancers, she doesn't hit the floor once in a while. Trivia: Pull-down TV screen for Monday Night Football. Watch Frank Gifford and then look out on the floor and wonder which one he'd pick to cheat with first. Mileage: low to medium-high. For more information, pay yer own money :) In brief: Cover-charge-fu. Smoke-machine-fu (Special Effects Award for recreating fog that the Titanic sank in). Gratuitous black dwarf bouncer. Gratuitous non-white-dancer-named-Asia. Gratuitous dancer-that-looks like-Demi-Moore-in-Striptease. Gratitous 'Let's Get Ready to Rumble" warmup for the feature acts. Special Effects nomination to Dow Corning. Low-budget award to the guy who designed the place: one brass pole, rotating stage, side stage, nothing else. At least 26 breasts. No dead bodies (unless you've been lapped by Cory, Q.E.D.) Drive-in Academy Awards for Best Supporting Dancer: Mackenzie, for lines such as "Half these bitches are drunk off their ass!"; Amber: "You know the feature, Tyler Day... she's the bosses wife!"; and Lacey: "I'm older than you you know..." [at which point CeeTee reminded her that no, she wasn't]. Most Annoying DJ, Unnamed: "Clap your hands if you're not a homo!", and Smiling Patron Award to CeeTee: "Hey bitch, that's not a tip, that's my BEER MONEY". CeeTee says, '3 stars.... check it out."