From: me@what.you.lookin.at.willis.com (The_Kid)
Subject: ASSC AFTSD Diatribe
Status: N



        Last week when I first started to think about what I wanted to do for 

AFTSD, I thought I had something meaningful and thought provoking to say. Not 

only that, but I was motivated to write this analysis of the world we live in, 

related to SCs and not related to SCs. This mish mash of random ideas had no 

form and covered a whole range of topics. On topic? What is that? As AFTSD 

approached I saw the motivation wane and the desire to write this diatribe 

just did not seem to be there. The bitter taste in my mouth and the jaded 

outlook on the world just was not as much there anymore. So I don't think this 

will be what I had originally envisioned it to be. What it will be I don't 

know. Life seems to be that way. 



        ASSC I can say has been a part of most of my adult life. How large of 

a part it is ebbs and flows just like most things in life. I have read the 

group on a fairly regular basis for about 3 years now. I have been going to 

SCs just about 2 years in a week or so. The episode that lead me to finally 

venture behind the curtain was ALS bday party at the NC in December '95. As I 

read the posts of the event it seemed like something that was interesting, 

Something to fill time. Something I had never done before. I mustered up the 

courage to BART into the city and find this place. What I would find I didn't 

know. Why I have stayed I don't know either. Things I do know is that I found 

a place where openess of thought regarding topics which most of American 

society find discussing in a frank manner as taboo. A place with people that 

challenge me to think or rethink, and have knowledge and experience that I can 

glean and take along. 



        SCing has gone from something that made my heart race from the newness 

and apprehension, to almost just a place where I find some people that I know. 

Do the large majority of my friends have any idea that I SC? No. Will they 

ever find out? Most likely not. Do I feel like I am living some kind of double 

life? In a way. Does that bother me? Not really. I assume that most people 

wonder about things that we seem to hash over at some level. I just happen to 

know some people who are willing to discuss it at length... sometimes an 

unbearable length. 



        I was thinking about the idea of being jaded over the last couple 

weeks as I was examining my life and thinking about AFTSD. The self 

examination part seems to be a constant in my life. Almost everything gets 

ruminated over hoping to improve my reaction to the situation if it ever comes 

up again. This blended together with my thoughts of AFTSD. Am I jaded? I 

thought I was. I right now think it is just a cool buzz word that one can 

use to think that you somehow are an ASSC "veterano." The idea of naked women 

is now just kind of dismissed, not a normal reaction. Is it just getting used 

to it? Probably. The lack of newness or difference from things that I have 

seen before. Maybe also because of how my mind works. Very visually based and 

fairly good spatial memory. If I have seen you naked once, very very rarely 

will you do something that I have not seen done or could very easily visualize 

you doing. Oh that and a little too analytical, I am still working on how 

dancers do the spin around the pole thing with just holding on by two hands 

and it still does not work out in my mind. 



        Could you say I have ephiped at some level? I would have to say so. 

Moments of clarity have come and now gone away. Slowly patterns of 

behavior have changed. It is exciting to SC and bring stories back to 

the campfire to share. But after a while it loses it appeal. There are better 

things to do with my time. There are better things to do with my money. There 

are other things in the world that I can spend part of my life doing. Others 

have burned away much more brightly. Epiphed like a blazing supernova visible 

in the light of day. Their lives exposed raw and often hurt. Did I go through 

that? No. Do I see the change in how I percieve life as any less important? 

No. 



        So why do I hang around these days? I don't know. If I were to pin it 

down to one thing, I would have to say it is that ASSC is interesting. 

Interesting people talking about interesting things. Sex or things that could 

be considered titilating? Yeah that gets discussed. But the weird swings from 

topic to topic that seem to diverge like a roman candle shot into a muggy July 

4th night. They cross over to different paths from the other burning embers 

falling from the sky. Acute turns back and forth leading wherever the 

participants choose to take it. That wild ride is kinda fun. Lots of time, 

absolutely nonsensical, but I have the choice to stop reading that thread. 



        Where I have gotten in this post? What kind of conclusion have I 

drawn? What am I taking away from this? What have you gotten out of it? I 

don't know. Do I really care? Not really. I will probably be here for a while. 

Sometimes in the background. Other times just rambling on. Hopefully, once in 

a while with something of consequence of interest to say. As a hobby or a 

diversion it is fun, and if you have not figured it out. That is all it is. 



The Kid