From: -@-.- (-)
Subject: ASSC AFTSD - Apathy
Date: Wed, 03 Dec 1997 06:42:46 GMT

AFTSD is here again already. Damn. Looks like I'm getting in under the

wire. If Sax came out of the woodwork to post, well then...


I wanted to start with "Suck This," but CMG beat me to it. Figures.


I've hardly posted a thing since the last one. So what's left to say?

Don't seem to have much of a soul to bare anymore.


I could just fart out a few hundred lines of reflection on "what the

last year meant to me," but I'm not really sure what it meant. It must

have meant *something*, though, since a hell of a lot happened. Just

haven't really analyzed it yet. Maybe the only thing I haven't

analyzed.


I'm about analyzed out.


Every cylinder on the ASSCycle is blown. Guess I'm gonna have to walk.


Now where the hell am I?


I vaguely remember being on Fascination Street, a festive road

resembling Disneyland's Main Street at night when I was five. Glitter

and lights. Shiny, happy people holding hands. Cinderella and Alice,

who bolted from dysfunctional Wonderland at 14, really liked me.

Really. I imagined they'd both do me if I just had *one* more E

ticket. Snow White, dressed only in a red thong and six-inch heels,

manages to convince every dwarf in the park that he's special, not

like the rest, she's *so* glad to see him. They go off singing, one

after the other.


Fascination veered sharply, and became Lust, a short street that

deadended into a traffic circle called The Addiction Roundabout. Day

or night, the AR is always dark, and the view is usually obscured by

fog. It's a foggy city, after all. Most everyone goes in too fast,

underestimates how small the circle is, and, after screaming around it

a few dozen times, crashes violently. Injuries vary, but losing both

an arm and a leg is the norm.


"I should have seen that coming," I say. "Some fucking amusement

park."


A map of the place looks something like this:


     fascination --> addiction --> denial --> apathy

     lust --> frustration --> disdain --> apathy

     ambition --> passion --> success --> fame --> fortune -->

     adventure --> apathy

"Seems to be a pattern here," I think.

     apathy --> meds --> balsa

"Fuck that," I say. "Lose the meds."

     --> dancers --> non-dancers? --> non-dancers! --> BOTH!

     --> dancer's mom --> bites & bruises --> exhaustion --> deep

breath ...

     --> dancers' friends --> hubby left me for a dancer --> apathy


Typical. At least I'm not (a) alone in fading into the background, or

(b) too jaded to be entertained. But close on the latter.


Anybody know how to get back to Fascination?


Sometimes I joke that I'm easily entertained, but I know that's not

really the truth. I'm entertained by things that surprise me, simple,

stupid, spontaneous shit that catches me off guard. Some ASSC-related

highlights of 1997:


- CES '97 and ASSCon-LV. Interesting pix of the lube demo orgy, and

Gin groping every starlet in sight. Gotta bring a camera next time, Z.


- Dragging CP-1 out of bed at 4:00 a.m. Yeah, it was a bad idea, but

we got room service. Thx again, Steve.


- The Hussey, EYE and I at the Harmony pits in NYC. Teena the

(molecular, is it?) biologist could live out a career there. More

yet-to-be-discovered shit growing in those two rooms than in all the

Earth's rain forests.


- Listening to an associate complain about her bisexual stripper

daughter, while I daydream about what the babe might look like.


- Sitting in a donut shop with Jade at 3:00 a.m. with people giving us

looks that said, "Where the hell did these two find each other?"


- Two words, Gin: Brothel Barbie. Laughed my ass off. We should have

taken a picture. Fuck, it was cold that day.


- Meeting Bob Smyth. Was it this year or last? If it was last year,

then, Seeing Bob Smyth.


- Kat's boob job party, and everything else that night.


- Erotica LA. So the show was lame. Next year I'll get one of those

pink Chinese silicone things and stand on stage demonstrating it.


- Sam's with Z, ALS, LMR, DL, Maz, Murf & more. Really, I was having

fun. Secretly. The ass of the virgin from Iowa is burned into my

memory.


- And most recently, The Kid introducing me to the Sushi place that

just might consume my life.


Fuck apathy. I'll see y'all in LV.