From: trane@scvnet.com (David Saxbeat)
Subject: ASSC: Post-AFTSD Guide/Musings
Date: Wed, 03 Dec 1997 16:15:04 -0800


A Guide to Basic Stuff for ASSCers

As I read this group, it occasionally becomes apparent to me that
there are a few things even veteran ASSCers don't know. I really
appreciate it when people help me by gently pointing out areas
where I can improve, so I hope to return the favor with the
following post.


GRAMMAR

Some pointers for you to stick on your monitor:

1a. its = possessive. "Jealousy reared its ugly head."
1b. it's = contraction (it is). "It's a great day today."

2a. their = possessive. "The clubs lowered their drink prices."
2b. they're = contraction (they are). "They're demonstrating an
economic principle."
2c. there = preposition. "There is a diminishing return to
charging high prices."

3a. your = possesive. "You must be out of your mind."
3b. you're = contraction (you are). "You're going to be in big
trouble."


General note: 

1. Pronouns (it, them, you, he, she, I) don't take apostrophes to
become possessive.

2. Contractions (combining a word with the verb "to be" (is,
are)) do take apostrophes.

3. Possessives (showing that a person possesses something) take
apostrophes, except for the pronouns noted above. Note that if
the word ends in s, the  apostrophe goes after the s, and there
is no second s. For example, the possessive of Sam is Sam's, but
the possessive for Chris is Chris' (never Chris's).

that vs. which:

1. If you can substitute "that" for "which," do so.
2. If you can remove the word "that" from a sentence and it still
makes sense, do so. 
3. "Which" almost always follows a comma.

Examples:

No change needed: The club, which opened in May, is wonderful.

Change 1: The club which I love shut down.
          The club that I love shut down.

Change 2: I think that I might ask her out.
          I think I might ask her out.

A lot of people use bad grammar because they don't know there are
simple reference books for looking up grammatical questions. "The
Elements of Style," by E.B. White, is a little outdated, but
still essential. It's thin, and can be found in paperback for $5.
"The Chicago (Tribune?) Manual of Style" (not 100 percent sure of
the title... the mind is the second thing to go...) is widely
regarded, but thicker and more expensive. Major newswire services
also have style guides; I have an old, dog-eared UPI style guide;
AP also has one. I'm sure others exist. Look in your local Barnes
& Noble store under "Reference Books." If there's a "Journalism
Reference" section, look there. Journalists' style guides tend to
be fresher and support more modern usage than those used by
English professors. There's also a great book called, "The Word,"
but I can't remember the author. If you see it, grab it... it
helped me immeasurably.


FRIENDSHIP

There are three basic types of friendship.

1. Convenience. Neither party puts much effort (any?) into the
relationship. These can be great ways to fill the time.
Friendships of convenience are common among co-workers, and
usually don't cause a lot of grief when one or both parties move
on. These friendships sometimes develop into Types 2 or 3.

2. Mutual. Over time, both of you put a relatively equal amount
of effort (no matter how great or small) into the friendships.
These are the friendships that last for years and grow and
blossom into mutual respect, platonic love and more. (And by
platonic love, note that I mean all non-sexual love between
people of any gender.)

3. Parasitic. Over time, one of you puts greatly more "effort"
into the friendships. These friendships can also last for
years, but rarely change. They are common among people with
"co-dependent" relationships. These "friendships" often take the
form of a needy person "attaching" to someone with resources, or
someone with surplus resources "attaching" to someone whom they
feel needs. Note that by "resources," I mean *anything* one
person can offer another, whether caring, drugs, a sympathetic
ear, sex, money, time, etc. The more lopsided the relationship,
the more likely it is to be unhealthy. (Note: Parents and mentors
are not necessarily parasitic relationships, because there is
often a "backchannel payoff" in the form of the unquestioning
love of a child, or the way in which a student's questions shape,
alter or reinforce one's own knowledge.)

The types of friendships you are in should be obvious. We all
have and need a few from each category, but the more important a
friendships is in your life, the closer it should be to a Type 2
relationship. If you tend to have an excess of very strong
relationships, that are very important to you, that fall in the
Type 1 and 3 category, you might ask yourself, "why?"

Typically, people who are disappointed in their friendships
tend to believe they are in one type of friendships, when they
are in another. If you get no joy from a friendships, if you
frequently ask yourself why you're in a friend relationship, if
you resent your friendships, if it seems to be a drain on you:
Question it. Maybe you're just going through a bad spot, but
maybe you're in the relationship with unrealistic perceptions. 

If you're not friends with your lover, why not? (Invalid answer: 
"Because we're married.")


CLUBS

A very wise man to the north once told me, "If it ain't fun,
don't do it."

I'd modify this to "If there is no reward, don't do it," thus it
applies not only to clubs, but to life. I use "reward" in the
Pavlovian sense, as "positive response." Reward can be financial
remuneration, good feelings, happiness, respect, sex... anything
that can be considered a benefit or asset.

Doing something repeatedly or in a sustained manner, when it no
longer reaps any reward is Not Good. It can be stupid. It can be
a sign of addiction or obsessive/compulsive behavior. (Forgive my
morality, but I consider those Bad Things.) It can be an
indicator of a bad attitude, an unhealthy outlook, low
self-esteem, or delusion.

I've learned this.

Clubs are a diversion. That is all. As with all diversions, you
can make friends, go it alone, fall in love, shoot up the place,
whatever. Take responsibility for your actions, understand your
situation (including your relationships), enjoy it for what it's
worth, and when it stops reaping rewards (or being fun), stop
going.


LIFE

If you're depressed, take St. John's Wort. Look it up. It's more
miraculous than aspirin.

And most of all: Watch your grammar!

David


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