From: goldeng@Starbase.NeoSoft.COM (Golden Geophysical)
Subject: ASSC: AFTSD: Everything I needed to know....

Recently we've found out that you can learn Everything 
that You Need to Know about Life from a single place. 
It all started when someone realized that he learned 
Everything he Needed to Know in Kindergarten. I could only be
envious of his early start; as a disadvantaged youth, I 
never got to attendkindergarten and was therefore unaware 
that it constituted higher education.

Then came the man who learned Everything that he Needed to 
Know from Star Trek.Again, I was a bit surprised. While I yield 
to no man in my love of Trek (well, maybe a few - I must admit 
that I didn't get married dressed as a Klingon), I can't really 
say that I Learned Everything I Needed to Know from it. Indeed some
things I learned (that Ferengis are the horniest creatures in the 
universe for example or that you can get out of just about anything 
from a fist fight to a matter/anti-matter explosion by muttering 
"Beam me up, Scotty!"), seemed to have little practical application 
to my own, somewhat mundane, existance.

Was I the only one left in America, perhaps the world, who hadn't 
discovered the place where he could learn Everything he Needed to Know?

Depressed, disparing, I stumbled blindly into one of my dark lairs 
where lovely ladies work tirelessly to raise the - spirits - of the 
unfortunate and downtrodden.

I was alone and ignorant.

Then, in a blinding epiphany, acompanied by the sound of angel's voices 
(strangely,they seemed to be whispering, "Wanna dance?"), it came to me: 
I had Learned Everything I Needed to Know in Titty Bars!

I will now modestly assume my position on the loftly summit of the 
Enlightened; there to offer my hardwon (and fairly expensive to acquire) 
wisdom to the unwashed masses.

First - if you are one of the unwashed masses, grab a shower! You'll get 
much better mileage when you don't stink!

Always spend the large bills while you're still sober enough to count 
the change.

Always count the change.

Tip only for effort expended, not because its expected of you.

Assume the best; be prepared for the worst.

Jack Daniels tastes much better going down than coming up.

Never be rude to large men who make their living hurting people.

Never be rude to your waitress; she can always spit (or worse) in your glass.

You can safely assume that no one wants to watch YOU dance.

To want a thing is often more enjoyable than to have a thing. It is not 
logical, but it is often true. (Okay, I confess, I DID learn that one
from Star Trek!)

When you call the number she gave you, about 90 per cent of the time you will
be asked what you want on your pizza. The other 10 per cent, you will be given 
the time and temperature.

Women look better when you're drunk. You don't, however.

When dealing with an asshole, always smile and be pleasant. This confuses and
irritates them.

If you make it home alive, the evening was a relative success.

It's dangerous to make a purchase in a dimly lit room. Very often it looks 
amazingly different in the light.

Drink in moderation. It's depressing to discover evidence the following day
that you apparently had a MUCH better time than you can remember.

It's a bad idea to give out your phone number and address to people you
meet while in the middle of an all night drinking session. Especially if
you meet them in the drunk tank.

If you're not sure whether you should drive or not, you shouldn't. Taxi 
drivers make much less than doctors or lawyers (or morticians).

If you want to enjoy your meal, avoid looking in the kitchen.

Having a lot of money in your pocket can compensate for an amazing number of
shortcomings. However, don't kid yourself - the shortcomings will still be
with you long after the money is gone.

Similiarly, if a woman is beautiful enough, you can overlook what a bitch she
is. But beauty is fleeting while bitchiness only increases with age.

When entering a new building, it's a good idea to note the location of all the
exits and the men's room. You never know when you'll be in a hurry to go.

It's a bad idea to fall in love with a woman whose name you do not know.

It's usually the best idea to leave before the house lights come up. Fantasy
is better served by dim lighting.

Nothing is ever as good or bad as it could be; enjoyment is largely a matter 
of attitude. If you're trapped in a freak show, enjoy watching the freaks. 
If you're one of the freaks, be sure to put on a good show.


Happy AFTSD to all ASSCers from The Guide

webmaster of the Houston Adult Entertainment Guide
http://www.bigfoot.com/~HoustonGuide