From: laar@ix.netcom.com (Laar)
Subject: ASSC AFTSD: A Deviant Freak in Dallas

Another episode in the "Incredibly Surreal Trip To..." series.


A DEVIANT FREAK IN DALLAS

After you've been around this stuff long enough, you take off the
SC-colored glasses, and realize that they weren't really colored after
all.


CONNECTION

So I pop into CompuServe one night a few months ago and get an instant
message asking, "You paying?"

A while before this I had posted a note that I was in the market for a
couple of travel partners (and by the way, yes, it works), and now I
get a note from two absolutely insane lesbians in Dallas wanting to
know if I would take them, at my expense, to of all places, Amsterdam.
(And you can all shove your jokes straight up your asses.)

In their sexiest voices, F & L offered me an incentive: to let me
watch them fuck, saying that it would be unlike anything I had ever
seen before. (Clearly they grossly underestimated my voyeuristic
experience.) Yawning, I cockily replied that watching just wasn't
going to cut it, and that if I was paying for the trip I would expect
to not only participate but to be the very center of their attentions.
They balked.

But, we did talk a lot by phone, and ultimately I got invited to one
of their famous pool parties. A straight guys at a lesbian pool party.
Go figure.


ARRIVAL

Touchdown in Dallas mid-afternoon, and it's at least 200 degrees
outside. In the shade. And I'm told that the bag containing my clothes
is in Cincinatti. Probably.

Wonderful.

So we spend the afternoon drinking, watching "Blondage" (they're big
Janine fans), and engaging in various other forms of adult recreation.

My clothes show up some time around 9:00 pm, and we all get dressed to
go to a swingers club, the name of which escapes me. Our group of six
consisted of a married couple, two lesbians and two single guys,
rearranged to make three couples for the sake of meeting club rules.
The club was a blast, but against my wishes (I was getting friendly
with someone's really cute wife) the group decided to take itself back
to F & L's house, where the married couple, F & L and I went skinny
dipping and ultimately ended up in a tangled pile on the poolside
lounges.

The party continued inside, while Ron, the other single guy (huge,
hairy, tatoo-covered biker type) is on-line pretending to be a
21-year-old girl. (Makes ya think, huh?) Apparently being the wuss of
the group, I find a bed and collapse somewhere around 5:00 a.m. Four
short hours later, I'm violently awakened by F, L, and a large
strap-on dildo, which, despite their stated intentions and best
efforts, never actually invaded any cavity of my body.

For the life of me I can't remember what happened between then and the
time the "official" pool party started, but I think it involved a
7-Eleven, an ATM, a shower and possibly some more sleep.

Around 2:00, it occurred to me that I was in the pool, the sole
straight guy in a backyard full of lesbians. There were two other guys
there, one wearing a dress and floral sun hat (an awesome sight to the
acid-tripping women), and his friend. This turned out to be more
frustrating than exciting. Ashley, one of the few bi-babes there (and
gorgeous), was being carefully guarded by her decidedly masculine
girlfriend, who bared her teeth and claws whenever I came too close.
The butch-gaurdian was wearing a red tank-top sporting the words
"Ray's Babes" (I forget what it meant), but she lacked the sense of
humor necessary to appreciate the obvious hilarity of my joking about
it.

Well, by about 6:00, my lesbian pool party adventure had deteriorated
to the point that I was resigned to eating my Chinese food, getting
thoroughly inebriated, and giving the girls agonizingly detailed
commentary on the escort ads in the back of a sex paper they were kind
enough to give me. They were thoroughly entertained by my analysis and
my feigned "as-if" attitude toward the ads, when in reality the "Hot
and Horny Coeds at Your Place Tonight" were looking pretty damn good
right about now.


THE GODDESS

Then M showed up. I later found out F & L, noting my predicament,
invited her. M was stunning. A petite Vietnamese girl, 26, silky black
hair down to her ass. I noticed her, thinking to myself, "yeah, right,
like that'll happen" and went back to the ads. Well, M walks over,
slides into my lap, draping herself around me like, well, in a really
cool way. Actually gave me chills.

"Hi, I'm Laar," I slurred. "My life is a cartoon."

"Hi, I'm M. My life is a Jerry Springer show. We'll get along just
fine."

Within minutes, we're in the pool, wrapped around each other like
high-school students on a first date. She suggests we go to a club
(Babydolls) where she used to dance (strippers, strippers
everywhere!), and pick up a girl for us to play with. All my "yeah,
right" warning lights are going off, but she's dead serious. "Don't
worry," she says, "I'm still going to do you too."

"There's no WAY I'm drunk enough to hallucinate THIS," I thought.
Within an hour, we're in the shower at her place getting ready to go,
I still in utter disbelief, she acting like this kind of thing happens
to her every day. At some point while we're getting dressed she
casually mentions that she's bi-polar and off her meds, the
significance of which I fail to grasp until later. Then she changes
the subject.

We get to Babydolls, and she hits her groove. She's almost
embarrasingly affectionate, something that is damn near impossible to
do with me, and I'm getting "the look" from every guy in the place. We
grab a stage-side seat, with her wriggling in my lap, as she falls
completely in love with a Blonde Barbie-type goddess on stage. When M
got up to get drinks, leaving me alone at the stage, the guy on my
right says, "She's HOT! Where did you ever meet a girl like that??"
Naturally, wanting to milk the moment for all it was worth, I replied,
"Just met her. She picked me up at a lesbian pool party an hour ago."
His utterly expressionless face was a Kodak moment.

Well, M got a handful of dances from her new girlfriend, and invited
her back to party with us. Close, but ultimately didn't happen. Fuck.


CEDAR SPRINGS

It's around midnight, and M wants to go clubbing. She won't go to
straight clubs, so our first stop is The Village on Cedar Springs. For
the uninitiated, the Cedar Springs area is one of the most screamingly
gay areas of any city, SF included, and The Village is a gay mens
dance club. And for the second time in the last 12 hours, I'm the only
straight guy anywhere in sight. I consented to clubbing here on the
condition that she not go off and abandon me.

Which, of course, she did. Twice.

The first time, she had some "situation" to straighten out with a
previous girlfriend. This lasted about 20 minutes, leaving me in The
Village to fend for myself. After countless "No, really, I'm straight"
replies to various invitations, she comes to rescue me, and rescue me
she does. Grabs me by the back of the head, kisses me deeply, wraps
one leg around me and runs her foot all the way up to my neck. (Did I
mention how flexible she was?) This is enough to convince the guys
that we're there as a couple, but not enough to keep them from
playfully grabbing my ass.

The second time, she says she's going to pop into this restaurant to
get us some food. "It's okay, the food is free. My boyfriend owns the
place."

"Your what? Oh, okay. I'll just wait out here."

Here we go again. This time it's Brian, the guy selling roses on the
street, asking, "You're straight? No way. Why are you here?"

I'm deep in what-the-fuck mode now, so I tell him, "You know that girl
that just went into the restaurant? I'm going to fuck her senseless
tonight."

"Aren't you at least bi?"

Fuck it, Brian. I give up. Besides, now another guy on my other side
is singing to us, while two other guys come up and have a catty spat
over whether Brian is a slut for flirting with me while his boyfriend
is away.

M finally comes out to rescue me again, just as I turn down some
anatomically-challenging offers from a carload of four transvestites.

We walk down to an outdoor lesbian bar. M can't get in; apparently she
was recently banned for punching a security guard. So we stand at the
fence, arms around each other, as she points out the girls she's slept
with. Her brazenly bringing a guy to this place wasn't very popular,
and immediately the teeth and claws are showing. We're outahere...


BREAKDOWN

Now it's 4:00 a.m., and we're both sobering up. We collapse in a booth
in an arcade somewhere, where she treats me to a full-blown bi-polar
crash. Pretty horrifying to watch. During her hysterical bouts of
sobbing, I'm scrambling to steer the conversation away from
self-loathing, the futility of life, and suicide. She shows me the
scars on her wrists and gives me graphic details of an unwanted
abortion her parents coerced her into.

This is all a bit much for one night. Talk about extremes.

We ended up getting her under control, getting her home, showered, and
to bed. She apologized for putting me through al this. "No problem," I
said.


AFTERGLOW

The next morning felt like beautiful, calm, clear blue skies after a
devastating storm. We lingered in bed until noon, ate breakfast and
talked. If it wasn't for the previous night's crash, I could fall hard
for this girl, which considering my recent past, is saying a lot. She
talks about me meeting her parents. I extend my trip two extra days.

When I got back to LA, we talk a few times by phone, then that was it.

I'll be back in Dallas in two weeks. Stay tuned for the next episode,
AFTSD '99.

This was a good idea, Sai.

--
Laar