From: blue1133@aol.com (Blue1133)
Subject: ASSC: AFTSD: My Xmas List 

It's that time of year again.  Fresh out of ideas of what to get for an aging
baby-boomer, my wife has started bugging me for a Christmas gift list.  Rather
than just asking for the standard ties and flight simulator computer games, I
decided, this year, to ask for accessories for the well equipped SC perv.  

1.  Non-skid shoes.  (To keep good footing during those cabana wall dances)
2.  Silk boxer shorts.
3.  Soft, double girth sweatpants with the "Let's Get Acquainted" easy-opening
fly.
4.  A spray bottle of Polo Crest cologne. 
5.  A box of assorted condoms.
6.  A tube of lube.
7.  $50.00 in used dollar bills.
8.  Wipe-offs packed in a small travel box. 
9.  A bottle of Febreze.
10.  A prescription for Viagra.

With no accompanying explanation, this list would get me a three-month exile to
sleeping in the garage.  The trick, of course, is to be able to rationalize
each item in innocent terms.

1.  "It's ice season again, Honey.  Remember I almost broke my butt on the
driveway last year."
2.  With a glint in my eye, "They keep me in the mood all day.  You'll get the
benefit when I come home from work."
3.  "I really need to get in better shape.  With these I'll be able to jog in
cold weather."  If she actually gets them for me, I'll have to take up jogging
again.  But I'll only have to do it for a week or two.  Then that'll go the way
of my old stationary bike and that dusty Cardio-Glide.
4.  "I know I've been wearing Old Spice for 30 years, but hey, I'm a 90's kind
of guy."
5.  "They're for you.  You don't like to swallow, so it always makes such a
mess; this way we can both be happy.  They come in your favorite flavors, too."
 This won't last for more than a couple of sessions, but I get to keep the
leftovers for other purposes.
6.  See above, "So it won't feel like I'm wearing an old sweatsock."
7.  "Gotta feed the vending machines.  And new bills stick together and clog up
the slot."
8.  " 'Roids are acting up again, Dear."
9.  "Would you believe those assholes at work approved a designated smoking
room.  Right next to the galley, too.  It's really nauseating."
10.  "Four hours!  Just think, we'll be able to do it till dawn!"