Dear ASSC ...

I never thought I'd be writing this, but …

MY CITY FINALLY FAILED TO SUCK!!!

I really didn't want to write anything today. Oh no, don't get me wrong,
I am not burned out on the scene, and it's not that I don't have any
fresh stories that involve graphic descriptions of terminal PLsness,
lewd behavior in public and wild stripper taming to tell. But, truth to
be told, I lost interest in telling y'all about blood, sweat and tears
in 7-10 pages, single spaced, bad grammar and all. Lord knows I tried to
write one of those, as a matter of fact I started three epic sagas on
related topics, but my mind draws a blank no matter how
drunk/sober/happy/sad/ecstatic/angry I am. So, a couple of days ago I
said to myself "Self, screw this. The heart ain't in it anymore. We are
gonna pull a good old ALS and sit this one out". Self agreed, and then
remembered all the hoopla going around certain circles in this town
about opening of a nude closed off section in a local topless bar the
week after Thanksgiving. Nude section in topless bar? Good thinking, but
I know this town - no way this could possibly be any fun, much less
cheap fun when the managers get done killing any prospect of good times
in order to get all the permits they need from the city council to pull
this stunt off. Nevertheless, I had a free pass, my perv buds had
nothing better to do on a Tuesday night either, and off into the night
Trio Fantastico went…

I noticed as we entered the main room that there were quite a few girls
that I have never seen before - and they all looked pretty good in a
bleached blonde kind of a way. You know the type; long hair, big fake
hooters, abs o' steal, tummy o' two kids, been dancin' for 7 years, been
watchin' soap operas for 20+ years day in & day out, have G string, will
travel.  Not bad, always glad to see new boob jobs in this town,
especially after I saw that mesmerizing Zoe was still around to balance
the things out for natural, arrestingly cute and perky brunettes. Hey
astro210, you listening? Ayp, Zoe made it over to the dark side and is
shakin' her bare booty now - aren't you glad you're fighting stripper
shit in Texas as we speak? Bwahahaha! Wait, don't run out of the room
cryin' now, it gets way better…

The bouncer was standing next to the sign "No alcohol or glassware
beyond this point" and high fivin' the constant stream of dudes who were
going in and out of the nude section. No separate cover? Not bad, not
bad at all. We waved past him and opened the door and… I almost fainted.
Down in the corner away from the entrance some blonde with big coconuts
was dancing in between dude's legs, completely ignoring small pedestal
to her left that is usually used for table dances in this town. Boob
facial here, bump & grind  there, she was violating the dude's personal
space left and right, all the time. He was clearly in shock to witness
such inappropriate behavior from this nice, young & firm upstanding
member of the society. He couldn't move a single muscle on his torso or
face, so the body fluid kept oozing from his open mouth every time she
would detach her boobs from his face. Then, I looked at the mini stage
surrounded by couches and I just knew I was on candid camera. Or on
Buttman movie set. Or in parallel Universe.  Certainly I was somewhere
far, far away from Denver strip clubs I used to know and, well… know.
Another Baywatch blonde wannabe was spreading them wide on stage all the
while fishing for goodies in her cookie jar with her fingers & making
German porn movie sounds in the process. Then she licked her fingers
clean, making Disney cartoon sounds in admiration of the job well done.
Next thing I knew, she was jumped off that stage and started dancing in
between some guy's legs, making moves I have only seen in a different
time zone, but never in prudent Colorado. Back, front, sideways, slide
up & down… the whole fucking en-chi-lada. I looked up and the dude in
leather jacket across the room looked stunned. Ooops, that was me in the
mirror, and that was MY drool hanging off MY chin. I quickly cleaned my
face and sat down on stageside couch to get me a healthy dose of that
lean body of hers. Yeah, I want some of that, dammit! Of course, by the
time my number went up, her set ended. Pshaw… No sweat, the DJ just
announced a three-song dollar dance set. Woooohoooo…

I left my buds at the scene of surreal nude acts, broke the $20 and set
in topless section waiting for dollar dances.  This being Denver, these
are done fully clothed which means - no fucking pedestals to dance on.
Awright, the contestant Number One comes my way. Boob facial, pull dress
up, play with G string, turn around bump, grind, bump grind. Sai smiles,
Sai gives two bucks. Contestant No. 2… all smiles, all boob facials with
a brief knee to crotch action. Sai grins, Sai gives two bucks.
Contestant No. 3 - all perky, excessive boob facials, bumps my lap two
times with her butt at the end of routine. Sai wows and gives her three
bucks. Contestant Number Four opens her gown, burries my face in her
boobs, goes for a hickey, pinches my nipple, turns around, slaps her
butt and lands on my lap. After her rhythmic butt motion subsided, Sai
yeehaas and gives her a fiver. Contestant Number 5 - no smiles no love,
all air. Sai frowns, gives her a dollar, fires her and gets up sporting
a woody. After seeing that Zoe is all the way across the room, he
notices his buddies are back from the nude section and are standing near
him giggling, and decides to check the nude room out…

… and this is where yall almost lost Yours Truly due to a massive heart
attack. The nude section had about 10 guys and four naked (okay, three
naked and one topless) girls doing dollar dances. Naked dollar dances!!!
Jumping Jesus on a Pogo stick, they're bumping and rubbing and spreading
'em wide all for a dollar! A fat balding guy sitting in a comfy chair
was clearly shocked, shocked to see such lewd behavior; the expression
on his face left no doubt that he has just seen Satan himself. He
extended his hand in front of him and held dollar bill like a cross to
ward off the dark forces surrounding his chair. Alas, his hope was in
vain and his willpower was weak; the Baywatch reject sans bikini looked
him in the eyes and raised her eyebrow. "More?" He barely nodded yes and
she came closer, removed the dollar bill from his hand with her devilish
mouth and started a full frontal naked body assault on a poor slob. I
could not just stand there and watch the carnage; I quickly sat next to
him, hoping I'd get her attention and make her stop torturing an
innocent man while he still had a pulse. The tactic worked; she got off
of him and zoomed in on me. For the next minute or so, I bravely took
all the bumps, rubs and grinds that hit my body like a man, never
letting a single "ouch" outta my mouth. It was a tough ordeal, but deep
down in my heart I knew my mom would be proud of her only son, for he
just saved one human life from evil forces of decadence and debauchery
that descended on this town.

After the dollar dances were over, I stumbled to the bar to share a shot
special with my buds and to catch a breath. Soon after we left the club,
chuckling and extending our palms like fishermen exchanging war stories.
"They were THIS big, and her coochie was THIS close to my nose I could
smell it!!!" "You're lyin', I was there, right next to you!" "You were
NOT there!" "Was too!". "Were not!" Tee hee hee. Man, it's been ages
since I left any club in Denver chuckling. Ah, the power of pussy…Tee
hee hee.

Folks, this is the first truly good news coming from Denver, ever. I
have a hunch - nay, I know - this is not going to last much longer.
They're either gonna up the cover charge, or have an additional cover
for nude section, or will have to tone it down, or will get busted big
time. But, for the time being, I'll be camping at the club wearing
Cheshire Cat smile & sporting wood and wad of singles.  Stripper taming?
Blood, sweat & tears stories? Who cares, it's party time in this town
that finally ceased to suck big fat one.

Sai Baba